July 2018

How much weight I put on my own flow, on being who I am, on my own truth. And when this goes for longer time, I start to identify with that weight, with that resistance, as I forgot the taste of my own self, the one that is ever changing. I start to believe that I am that heavy energy that just wants to sit all day through, that wants to hide rather then to say the truth and show up, that hand that keeps pulling me back and shutting my mouth. So much effort into holding back this natural force of energy I was born with, my unique flavour. And then I am surprised why am I so tired, as it looks on the surface that I am not doing anything. But I know how strong life is and how much it takes to hold it back. And then to make things even harder I start judging myself for being like that, and I start to fight with something that is not even who I am, so it feels like fighting with the shadow. And when the pain of being closed and living so shallow becomes to much to bear, I drag myself to the dance floor, and I begin exactly where I am, by dragging my ass around, by rolling on the floor in my own self-pity, by making myself as small as I can physically get and in the midst of that I start to feel acceptance infusion running in my blood, my breath being release by the grip of my ego, and the dance starts to reveal itself to me. Again. 
Tears start pouring out without me even allowing them as this time the gates were open for the flood of sadness. The pain in the joints of my body, in the locks of my heart begins to cry for freedom. And in that cry for freedom I find the lioness scream in my belly, in my womb, in my vagina – and the dance is born out of my frustration. All that frustration about other people this and other people that, and I am too much and they are not enough, and I need help but I am beyond help, and this keeps happening and I learn nothing because it keeps happening. The steady beat in the music is cheering for me, is backing up my whole body shaking it out, burning it down. And in this scream and in this dance, nobody gets hurt. I am not eating myself anymore from the inside, I am not blaming those on the outside and biting them just to keep them at the distance, I am not bursting out in uncontrolled rage towards the little ones. 
The big wall of Silvija crumbled down like a ginger cake house, and I find myself sharing the sweet crumbles with those around me as they welcome me with eyes and arms open. I even find myself with some extra energy after long time, I overflow into the corners of the room to those whose eyes and arms are closed. I notice the lightness of my being, I am aware of the spaciousness inside of my heart. It feels like before all my emotions were squeezing into this waiting room just outside, in front of my heart, and everytime I would postpone, ignore, reject, push away those emotions they would just fill in the waiting room, and that crowded waiting room of emotions that were to be honest kind of loosing their patience, was squeezing in the heart and taking more space then the heart itself. As they were let in, sometimes more emotions in the same time, I could let them go and as I kept dancing, the waiting room emptied out and the heart could stretch its legs and arms and breath easy again. And in that stretching, I was hit by waves of gratitude. You know those moments when all makes sense. The pain and the pleasure, the fullness and the emptiness, the shadow and the light. You and me. Oh yes. 
Can’t wait to dance again…
What about you?
Love, Silvija