“Unacknowledged fear is, in fact, at the root of many of our lives. I discovered the pervasiveness of fear early on in teaching movement and massage, since fear inhibits movement and keep us literally uptight. We live in fear of our emotions and develop all kinds of strategies and coping mechanisms to avoid experiencing them.” GABRIELLE ROTH
I was thinking one day about what could I do to face my fears: jump with a parachute, go in a deep dark cave, dive into icy water and then I realised that I have so many fears that look so “ ordinary”, so everyday, so normal that I can just pass by them and not really notice them. And still, they really freak me out, they shake my legs, they shut my mouth and eyes, they sweat the palms of my hands, they clench my belly, they make me smaller, they sunk my chest. They feel like real thing.
I am scared of how I can move in circles and can’t see the way out. I am scared of losing ground under my feet. I am scared of being dependent, of my constant needs and of how much my body needs me. I am scared of being paralysed by my fears and to live comfortably numb.
I am scared of saying how I feel before somebody asks me how I feel. I am scared of waiting to be asked how I feel by somebody and forgetting to ask myself how I feel. I am scared of the numbness and indifference that my heart can feel. I am scared of how rough and hard and critical I can be to myself and how it spills out to my loved ones. I am scared how successful I can be in my defensiveness at the times when I actually need intimacy and contact.
I am scared of my wholeness, of how the things that I find wrong with me are in tension with the things in me that I find acceptable. I am scared to end before it is finished. I am scared to pass on the pain. I am scared to abandon myself alone in my suffering.
I am scared to show my loneliness as it is an old and heavy burden. I am scared to loose my hope in my sadness. I am scared there will never be enough. I am scared to be a lost case and to loose the plot. I am scared of how much I believe that I am unloveable. I am scared that I missed the beauty of life, the sweetness of love, the play of light, the grace of nature, the simple goodness. I am scared that all of this was for nothing. I am scared that it is too late.
All these fears are showing me where to bring attention instead of shame, where I am still learning instead of being arrogant, where to ask for help instead of isolating, where to just sit and breathe with instead of fix it or change it, where I need to dance and then dance some more instead of think again about it, where to hold your hand, where to show up instead , where to stay instead of run away, where to love instead of judge.
When we meet our fear we uncover what we are really protecting and we start to feel our aliveness; when we express our anger we show what we are defending and we meet our boundaries around our softest part; how when we release through our sadness we get closer to what we really care about and how deeply we love; how when we share our joy we lift the veil from our own light – and all that is so vulnerable and so powerful.
It takes courage to welcome fear. It is at the edge of anger where can find forgiveness. It is so liberating to surrender through sadness. It is about sharing when joy shares its dances with us. It takes (comm)unity to feel like we belong.